Religion and Marriage

Faith, Gender, and the Purpose of Marriage

Allah created two sexes – male and female – based on divine wisdom. Each sex is incomplete without the other, not just in terms of companionship, but also with regard to continuity of the human species. Some groups view the natural and healthy attraction between the two sexes in a negative light. For example, early Church fathers such as St Paul urged women to embrace “quietness and full submission”. Adding that “I don’t not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent. For Adam was formed first and then Eve. And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner” – see Timothy 2:11-15. In other places in the Bible, he viewed marriage as a distraction for pious people given that the final hour was approaching – “Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried as I do. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion” – see 1 Corinthians 7:8-9. Two thousand years and billions of marriages later, Paul’s anticipation is still unrealized. Meanwhile, women have suffered abuse and injustice due to the misogynism rooted in Christianity since the beginning. In other religions, such as Hinduism, the status of married women has been so low, priest taught for thousands of years that a widow who died by immolation in her dead husband’s funeral pyre achieved tremendous status and honor. Sati was banned by the British in 1829 during their rule of India and subsequently prohibited under the Commission of Sati (Prevention) Act of 1987.

Islamic Guidance on Modesty and Mutual Respect

Muslims have not been immune from unfair treatment of women either, by virtue of faulty understanding of the Quran and using select ahadith without full consideration for the context. In the Prophet’s time and soon thereafter, women participated in commerce, enjoyed full property rights, led the community as scholars and teachers (including correcting errors made by some sahaba), selected their life partner, and initiated divorce. A far cry from the temperament in Christianity, Judaism and Hinduism. In the Quran, Allah has commanded men to lower their gaze in the presence of women and to guard their chastity. Similarly, women are commanded to lower their gaze in the presence of men, guard their chastity and cover their bosom with an outer garment, so their beauty is not obvious to strangers – Al Nur 30-31. Historically, both men and women covered their heads in Arabia given the searing heat and dust storms in the Hejaz. As such, when the Quran was revealed, women were asked to pull the cloth covering their head down (possibly circling the face or covering part of it) so they would be recognized as believing women in multicultural Medinan society – Al Ahzab 59. Modest attire and behavior in mandatory in Islam on both men and women as a means to protect society from exactly the kind of turmoil we see around us. In doing so, Muslims strive for the middle path between repression and misogyny on the one end, to unchecked licentiousness at the other. The latter is promoted by individuals claiming to be liberal, open-minded and uninhibited by ‘backwardness’. Espousing the legitimacy of any behavior entailing consenting adults, despite the fact that the moral conduct reinforced by Islam is coexistent with humanity itself. The Quran affirms that the only deen (holistic way of life) before Allah is Islam (submission to divine command). One consequence of this continuity in belief and conduct means that Allah explicitly commanded his last messenger to follow the faith of Syedna Ibrahim, the upright one – Al-Nahl, ayah 123. Similarly, on his death bed, Syeda Yaqoob asked his children what religion they would follow? They reply in unison that they would be Muslims, just like Syedna Ibrahim, Ismael and Ishaq – Al-Baqarah, ayah 133. Haya (modesty) is an enduring hallmark of the deen of Islam. Are we to forsake it based on misguided notions of political correctness, or based on whim and fancy? If so, who will save us for Allah?

Marriage as Protection, Responsibility, and Trust

Where religion is used as tool for subjugation, it does more harm than good. Rather, the conduct of every man and woman must be informed by taqwa, and accountability before Allah on the day of judgement. Married Muslim women carry a noble designation in the Quran: they are called muhsinat, which comes from the word hasn or fortress. They should feel an abiding sense of security, the husband bearing responsibility before Allah for protecting his wife’s honor, even at the cost of his life. He must also bear full financial expenses for his wife. If the latter has income or wealth, the husband has no claim on it during her life, but may receive a portion alongside their children, if she passes before him. Ultimately, husbands and wives act as garments for each other, protecting and adorning each other as the face the world around them. Allah reminds us in the Quran: "O humanity, have taqwa of your Lord who created you from a single life form, and from it created its match (or pair), and from the first two lives spread many men and women. Have taqwa of Allah, in whose name you ask each other (for your rights) and be mindful of the ties of the womb (kinship). Surely, Allah is watchful over you." The key is to obey the creator, not the created.

A Historical Story of Character and Commitment

I will end this section with a story going back thousand years ago when a young man, fearing persecution after accidently killing some, fled his home. As an infant, this individual had been adopted into a royal household and had enjoyed significant privilege. Now, he was a penniless traveler in a foreign land. Here, he came across shepherds and goatherders at watering well. By the side stood two young women with their own flock. On seeing this, the young man approached the women and asked them what was happening. They replied that the were waiting for the rabble to finish up, so they could then take their own animals forward and let them quench their thirst. Thereupon, the young man took charge of their flock, took them forward to the well, allowing them to quench their thirst, before returning them to the women and proceeding to sit under the shade of a near by tree. Meanwhile, the women took their animals and went home. The young man made a dua to Allah asking for divine help in his hour of need. Soon after, one of the women returned, clearly feeling shy and hesitant and informed the man that her father had summoned. The young man agreed, and asked the girl to direct him, taking care to walk ahead of her, so she would be more comfortable. When they reached the homestead, girl’s father heard the full account of what had happened to the young man in his homeland and assured him that he was now safe from unjust people back home. At this point, the daughter spoke up and stated to her father that he should hire the young man, as the best candidate in these situations is someone who is strong and trustworthy. The father understood his daughter’s dignified and honorable message, turned to the young man and offered to give either one of his two daughters in marriage if the he agreed to work in and around the household for eight year, and ten if he was agreeable. The young man accepted the offer – tradition suggests that he choose the sister who had returned to well to fetch him and then asked her father to hire him. In this way – based on the exchange of the bride price – the responsibility of the maiden passed from father to husband. The young in this message is none other than Musa bin Imran, who would go one to become the Messenger of Allah and one of the five Ulul-azm-min-al-rusul. One of the five highest ranking messengers of Allah, who are selected from the ranks of prophets, and carry a higher stature than the latter. For Allah asserts in the Quran: “Allah has decreed that surely, I and my messengers will prevail”. This his privilege has not been awarded to mere prophets, some of whom, such as Syeda Zakariyyah and Yayha have been killed by the enemies of Islam.

Conclusion: Taqwa and Lasting Muslim Marriage

Islam honors the natural attraction that men and women feel towards each other, but restricts its through sound conduct and marriage, to safeguard the well being of society. Insofar as we respect and abide by these guidelines, we do so out of taqwa before Allah and answering before him on the Day of Judgement. As a result, our conduct must be the same regardless of circumstances. May Allah guide us to pass through this world with dishonoring our akhirat, ameen.